Jeffery's Priesthood
by Mette
Summary: Josephine decides that her beloved little Jeffery needs to learn magic, so she has a little talk with Xelloss... Please R&R!


"Jeffery's priesthood"  
  
Author: Mette Krangnes (xelloss@online.no)  
  
Heyo, I got the idea for this silly fic by some people on the Den of Silliness ezboard forum, and  
of course it means trouble when I get inspired to write such things, no? ;) BEWARE!  
Disclaimer: Xelloss and the rest of the Slayers gang is not copyrighted me,   
but the lovely gang of Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, Kadokawa Shoten and TV TOKYO.   
Please don't sue me, you'll use more money than you can possibly squeeze out of me ;)  
  
Thoughts are written between *'s. Enjoy! **grins**  
  
------------------------  
  
For the zillionth time during that hour Xelloss let out a sigh, and for the 14rth time he looked  
up at the watch on the wall. She never stopped, did she? All that praising was making him feel a  
little queasy too. Well, he surely wasn't going to interrupt her yet. That would be foolish.  
"And then my dear little Jeffery saved the little girl's kitten all by himself! I just knew  
that sooner or later he would manage to slide down the branch."  
*... he fell,* Xelloss corrected for himself, nodding as he took another zip from his cup and  
listened to Josephine as she continued with her tale. Tea at Josephine's mansion wasn't something  
he had been looking forward to this week.  
"... without his help, the poor little thing would have surely been done for!"  
*... I'm done for soon if you keep this up....*  
"So then I asked myself. Josephine, Jeffery may have the brawns and the brains, but he lacks  
the books!"  
*... and common sense...*  
"And of course I thought of you, Xelloss darling!"  
The Trickster priest arched an eyebrow, stopping mid-slurp. He was frozen for a few seconds,   
then opened one eye slightly.  
"Excuse me...?"  
"Easy!" beamed Josephine and clapped her hands, "I want you, the priest of the Beastmaster, to  
teach my beloved Jeffery in the art of magic!"  
Many thoughts cursed through Xelloss's head at that moment. Pain if he said no. Humiliation if  
he said yes. Torment if he said no. Annoyance if he said yes. The wrath of the mother, or the  
stupidity of the son? But with his knowledge, he knew what to choose.  
"Ooooh, I'd simply LOVE to, Josephine-chan!" he smiled nervously, pulling a little back in his chair  
and sweatdropped, "but I can vaguely remember some work that Juu-ou-sama asked me to..."  
"Awww, nonsense! I'm sure your Mistress can go on without your excellent work one day a week..."  
Now this was really a tight pinch he'd gotten himself into now, the Mazoku thought, opening his eyes  
and looked at the intimidating woman at the other end of the table.  
"Aah, Josephine-chan, you know it takes some skill to master magic, right?"  
"Are you telling me that my sweet Jeffery doesn't have skill?!" she bellowed and stood up, looming over  
him, and he recoiled, holding his arms up in defence.  
"No no no!! Jeffery is the most intelligent, talented young man I've ever seen, and believe me, I've  
seen a lot of them through the last millenia!" he quickly said, which seemed to cool down the woman's  
demenaor.  
"Then it's settled! Tomorrow you pick Jeffery up at 10 am and spend the day teaching him what it takes  
to be an excellent mage! There's an opening for a mage at the baron's castle, you know?"  
  
------------------------  
  
*This sucks,* Xelloss gloomed as he phazed in infront of the enourmous gates in front of Josephine's  
mansion. In one minute he would surely meet that freakish son of hers. The first time he had met him  
some years ago had been more than enough, that was for sure! It had taken him 2 whole days for him to  
heal himself after the impact with Josephine's mallet, even though he was Mazoku! Filia was so much gentler,  
and she mostly missed with her attacks too. Josephine didn't give him a meal even, and Jeffery... well,  
all that praise he was giving his mother and his opinion about himself wasn't good for anyone, even humans.  
Even Lina and her not so trusty sidekick had come to that conclusion, he had learned.  
With a sigh the Trickster walked up to the gates, mentally repeating his mantra in his head.  
*I shall not strangle Jeffery, I shall not strangle Jeffery...*  
  
------------------------  
  
"Now Jeffery dear, be careful!"  
"I will mommy! Byyyye!"  
With the eyebrow twitch thing going on Xelloss gritted his teeth and turned around, feeling the  
sickening happyness getting to him. Not really caring if the young man was following or not, and he   
preferred the latter, Xelloss headed out of the mansion and hoping that this day would pass soon.  
But then again, time flies when you have fun, and this CERTAINLY was on any Mazoku's top 10 list.  
Man, it wasn't on the top billion list even...  
"Xelloss-san, wait up!"  
At the sound of the voice Xelloss halted, the corner of his left eye twitching.  
"Yes...?" he asked, trying to sound as cheery as ever, but failed miserably.  
"What kinda big spells are you going to teach me today? Fireball? Rah tilt? The Dragu Slave?!" Jeffery  
asked, almost jumping like a little kid next up to the Mazoku.  
The mentioned and unhappy Mazoku turned his head, opened his eyes to glaaaare at the son of Satan's bride,  
then spoke slowly as if not to loose calm.  
"No. Today I think we'll be busy with lighting and sleep."  
*... that way I can put him to sleep when I demonstrate the spell... if only I could lighten up his brains  
too..."  
Now that little comment didn't make Jeffery happy, and he frowned.  
"What?! How am I going to become a great sorcerer at this rate?! I thought we were going to fight some bad  
guys today, and then some noblemen would see my great skill and beg me to become their special sorcerer or  
something!"  
"Or something," Xelloss repeated with a forced chuckle and grimace upon his face.  
*... something as in jester would fit better yeah...*  
"Anyway," the greenhaired youth continued, "I really need to learn the big stuff!"  
With a sigh Xelloss rubbed the back of his head, looking worried and hoping he could say this in a way that  
wouldn't offend Jeffery and his #SENSORED# mother.  
"But Jeffery-kun, I'm afraid you need to learn the simple spells first in order to master the more complicated  
ones. You see..."  
But unfortunately, the wellknown tourist lady dived out of the bushes near the front gate, pink dress flowing  
graciously in the wind, mallet raised over head.  
"YOU DARE IMPLY THAT MY BELOVED Jeffery DOESN'T GOT WHAT IT NEEDS?!"  
With a loud boom Xelloss was hit and went down for the count, little stars swirling around his head as he did  
his Kenshin impression.  
"Oro..."  
Jeffery stared in awe.  
"Wow, it's the tourist lady again!" he cried out, which made that mysterious woman sweatdrop and walk backwards.  
"Oh, don't mind me! I'm just an anonmyous tourist who happened to pass by!"  
And with that, she was gone, and once again the Mazoku was left with the devilspawn.  
"Itai, that hurt almost worse than Amelia's speeches of Justice (TM)..." a now semi-conscious Xelloss muttered,  
getting to his feet slowly and knocking away the pesky stars.  
  
  
------------------------  
  
  
"I see, that's a serious problem you've got there," Lina Inverse, sorcery genious, the Dragon spooker,   
Bandit killer, flat-che... er, enough about that, said and gave Xelloss a semi-sympathic glance over the table.  
After a looooong day of hanging around Jeffery, he had went into the nearest inn in search of some negative  
emotions in order to cheer up. Sure, there was a fight there, but he sweatdropped when he saw who it was between.  
Lina Inverse had had her fork raised, trying to get a tasty piece of bacon for herself, while her rival had not  
intended of giving up that easily.  
"DAMNIT NAHGA, IT'S MINE!" Lina growled, eyebrow twitching and ready to chant a fireball any minute. The scantily  
clad Nahga just laughed, giving everyone in the inn goosebumps and shivers down their spines, to Xelloss' glee.  
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOO! You're a fool to believe that I, Nahga the Serpent, will give up that easily, Lina Inverse!  
Your strenght and socalled intelligence must be equal to your bust size!"  
And as the little Dra-matta always did when her rival laughed that annoying laugh of hers and picked on her breasts,  
she started muttering under her breath.  
"... oh, source of all power, light which burns beyond crimson, let thy power gather in my hand. FIREBALL!"  
With that the bacon got extra crispy, and Nahga along with it, shrieking at the top of her voice.  
When the smoke had disappeared, Xelloss saw a nicely fried Nahga, some burning furniture, shocked guests, and a  
semi-triumphant Lina who frowned at the burnt piece of bacon.  
"Darn."  
  
Not long after the three had settled at another booth, after ordering more food for the two sorceresses and some  
coffee for the tired Mazoku. He had explained his current situation, which both had understood, the painful  
memory still fresh.  
"You... have to train Jeffery in magic?!" Nahga exclaimed, wincing and stopped drikking her sake.  
"Yes," Xelloss sighed and nodded, drinking his coffee, "and even after one day he hasn't managed to learn a single  
good thing with all that whining of his..."  
"I bet Josephine isn't making it easier either, huh?" added Lina, which Xelloss nodded in response to.  
There was a pause, then Nahga spoke up.  
"But there's one thing I don't understand," she began, eyeing Xelloss.  
"Hm?"  
"Why are you, the priest of one of the Dark Lords, AFRAID of her? Can't you beat her ass into next Tuesday?"  
Xelloss froze, then sweatdropped and went pale.  
"Sore wa himitsu desu!" he quickly piped up, waggling his index finger. Lina arched an eyebrow, then resumed eating.  
"However, she's one creepy lady. I really don't know how you're going to get out of this one, Xelloss."  
The Mazoku sighed and rested his head in his hands while leaning on the table, eyes halfopen.  
"I can just pray that Josephine gives this up soon..."  
"Or she finds someone else to bother."  
At that Xelloss blinked, then he looked at Lina, dead serious.  
"I'll give you free dinner everyday for the rest of your life if you train him for me, Lina."  
"NO WAY!"  
With a sigh Xelloss banged his head into the table, muttering bad bad words which little boys and girls should neither  
hear, read or say, making Lina and Nahga arch an eyebrow, looking at eachother.  
"Say Xelly," Nahga uttered and poked him with her fork, "we're mortal and have reason to fear Josephine! Tell us  
why she scares the living daylights outta ya!"  
Immediately Xelloss saw the opportunity to get some free nurishment, smirking.  
"My my, Nahga-san, shouldn't you get the whip?"  
"What?" Nahga and Lina exclaimed in unison, looking confused, which Xelloss gladly explained with his trademark grin.  
"Well, she IS dressed for that sort of activity," he said and let his eyes travel across her leather and bikini  
clad form, "but I really prefer something which causes more damage than a fork really..."  
"FLARE/FREEZE ARROW!"  
-BOOM-  
"Now THAT.... -cough- was better..."  
  
------------------------  
  
With something that was everything but the gracious twirl he had intended, Jeffery dashed/fell/threw himself   
at the dummy, trying to throw a flare arrow in the process. But as it had happened, the flare arrow would make   
Sylphiel's look nasty, and once again Jeffery's face made contact with the dummy.  
"OOOOOOooooooow!"  
Trying to stiffle back his laughter Xelloss held his hand in front of his mouth, knowing what Josephine   
would do if she heard him laughing at her beloved Jeffery's lack of graciousness!  
After a moment of struggling the youth got unsteadily to his feet, looking at his mentor while leaning on   
a staff to prevent himself from falling again.  
"Are... *huff* you SURE you taught me the CORRECT words, Xelloss-san? It didn't work now either!"  
The whining cheered Xelloss a little up, and he smiled as sweetly as he possibly could at the kid in front of him.  
"Yes, Jeffery-kun, I'm sure. Why don't you try again?"  
"Xelloss-san, I really wanna learn the big stuff!" Jeffery whined, and Xelloss sighed and smiled with a forced  
restraint.  
"But Jeffery-kun, you really, really CAN'T handle the 'big stuff' untill you can throw a flare arrow..."  
"WHAT was that?!"  
Caught unaware and redhanded, Xelloss found himself at the mercy of the tourist lady, falling facefirst into the dirt  
in front of Jeffery, who looked at the scene in an entired confused manner.  
"You apologize to my dear Jeffery in this instant!"  
Spluttering it some mud and turning his head to look at the woman in the pink dress, Xelloss attempted to get to his  
feet, but then he was smashed again.  
"NOW!"  
"Aaaaah, I'm... sorrrrryyyy, Jeffery-kun..." he glared at the annoying youth, then winced as he felt pain searing through  
his right arm.  
  
------------------------  
  
  
His eyes were open, concentrating on regenerating his poor, poor arm. The pain had been just a tad too much for his  
enjoyment. When would that woman ever learn to relax and just realize what a pathetic git her offpsring was?!?!  
He let out a sigh, then winced slightly as the pain grew too strong for a moment.  
"Had fun today, Xelloss?"  
The Mazoku snapped out of his thoughts, still working on the regeneration though.  
"Juu-ou-sama..."  
His master had phazed in by the door, smiling secretly after blowing out a puff of smoke.  
"Yes, my little wolf. It seems you still have trouble watching your tongue around the little one..."  
Instinctivly he looked around, expecting to see a pink robe in the corner of his eye. This action caused  
Xellass to chuckle in her throat.  
"You know perfectly well she has no power here, she's probably busy smoldering her precious one now  
with her homemade cookies. Though I don't blame you..."  
Relaxing a little more now, her right hand let his head slip down and untensed his shoulders.  
"But don't worry, I've spoken with her. I was sooooo sorry to tell her that you really  
have some pressing matters involving a king in the far east and that she can borrow another  
of my officers," she said with a wide grin, walking over to the chair where he was sitting.  
Upon hearing those words Xelloss jerked his head up, eyes open wide in surprise and joy.  
"Really, Juu-ou-sama?"  
"Hai. After all, I can't let her tear my priest out, can I? Mommy does need you, you know."  
Xelloss giggled a little as the Beastmaster ruffled his hair, a tad roughly too.  
"I'm thankful..."  
"You should be! Now get some rest so you'll be fully restored by tomorrow, I have some  
matters I need you to solve."  
With a nod Xelloss looked to his semi-functional arm now, and Xellass smirked as she turned around, taking a drag  
off her cigarette.  
"Does she really scare you that much, Xelloss?"  
Even Lina Inverse would have been creeped out by the face Xelloss made as he responded coldly.  
"She's the... scariest cousin anyone could have..."  
  
-THE END-  
  
Yes, I've been working on this one for a while, and it was HARD dammit! _ 


End file.
